Let’s Talk About Bathrooms

By Grover Koelpin 1 comment


I’D LIKE TO START OFF TONIGHT
WITH A PERSON QUESTION, IF YOU GUYS DON’T MIND. A SHOW OF HANDS. HOW YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM. OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT A
MAJORITY. IT LOOKS LIKE WOMEN GO TO THE
BATHROOM, TOO. THAT’S DISAPPOINTING. I ASK BECAUSE IF YOU FOLLOW THE
NEWS, THERE ARE LAWS, LIKE DOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA, WHICH ARE
REGULATE CHICAGO BATHROOMS TRANSGENDER PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED
TO USE. THIS IS HUGE NEWS. EVEN THE CANDIDATES ARE TALKING
ABOUT IT. AND NOW A PROTEST GROUP HAS
COLLECTED 750,000 PLEDGES TO BOYCOTT THE STORE TARGET OVER
THEIR POLICY OF WELCOMING TRANSJERPD PEOPLE TO USE
WHICHEVER BATHROOM MATCHES THEIR IDENTITY. IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE A COMPANY
CALLED TARGET WOULD EVER FIND ITSELF AT– HOW DO I PUT THIS–
THE CENTER OF SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE ARE AIMING AT. IT’S LIKE THERE IS SOME KIND OF
SIGN ON THEIR BACK, MAKING IT EASIER TO SHOOT THEM. WELL, HERE IS WHERE I STAND. I KNOW YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE I
STAND ON THIS. HERE’S THE THING. I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE MALE OR
FEMALE, WHAT SEX OR GENDER IDENTITY SOMEONE IS, I– AND I
MEAN THIS SINCERELY– DO NOT WANT TO SHARE A BATHROOM WITH
ANYONE. OKAY. FOR TWO REASONS… NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO, I DON’T. WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE ALL OF
US IN THERE TOGETHER ANYWAY? THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG. I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT MY
BATHROOM AT HOME IS NOT A TWO-SEATER. AND WHEN I AM FORCED TO USE A
PUBLIC BATHROOM– WHICH IS INFREQUENTLY, THANK GOD! I GO IN THERE WITH BLINDERS ON. I DON’T KNOW WHO’S NEXT TO ME. IT COULD BE A CENTAUR FOR ALL I
KNOW. I DON’T EVEN LIKE TO LOOK MYSELF
IN THE MIRROR. I KNOW WHAT I DID. I AM THERE FOR A SURGICAL
STRIKE. GET IN, GET OUT, WITH MINIMAL
CASUALTIES. SO IF THERE ARE GOING TO BE ANY
NEW BATHROOM LAWS, HERE ARE SOME THAT WE ACTUALLY NEED. FIRST OFF, NO CHITCHAT. I AM NOT THERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. IF WE HAVE JUST COME OUT OF A
MOVIE, AND YOU ARE STANDING NEXT TO ME, I DON’T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT HOW IRREPLACEABLE ROBERT DOWNEY JR. IS AS IRON
MAN. I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE ROBERT
DOWNEY JR. YOURSELF. SECOND, IF YOU’RE A FAN OF MINE,
THAT’S WONDERFUL. PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO SHAKE MY
HAND IN THERE BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SHOOK. ALSO, IF THERE ARE A BUNCH OF
OPEN STALLS, DON’T TAKE THE ONE NEXT TO ME. IT’S NOT THE BUDDY SYSTEM! THOSE ARE JUST A FEW
SUGGESTIONS. AND TO ALL THOSE LAWMAKERS WHO
ARE SO OBSESSED WITH WHO IS USING WHAT BATHROOM AND WHAT
PLUMBING THEY’VE GOT DOWNTOWN, NEWS FLASH– YOU’RE THE
WEIRDOES.

1 Comment

Lori Morse

Oct 10, 2019, 5:20 pm Reply

The only person that's Transgender in a MAN's bathroom will be a Butch female in there and they don't want ANYONE bothering them either…Learn the facts Stephen!! Trans guy Lee, Richmond, VA

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